1.13.2013

ReEngage : The Inner Circle


    A few weeks into a marriage help group at church, I was faced with the harsh reality that, "I am my biggest marital problem." [Paul David Tripp.] Like all those who have been through Re|Engage before, I realized I can only fix what is inside the circle- me. Staring into the cavernous abyss of the unknown, I was reluctant to get in too deep. I had spent so much time and energy sweeping my failings under the rug or covering them up with a compensative tarp and I didn't want to reveal them. However, you can't keep up the charade forever, can you? When two people get married, it's only a matter of time before you discover all of one another's weaknesses. It was time for me to get real...with myself. My husband already knew the real me and had been communicating (in such a lovely way- ha) my faults to me for years. Only, I wasn't listening.

Lesson 2- Brokenness

    Does your marriage look as romantic and spectacular as the love stories depicted in Re|Engage. Trite and True.? Are you basking in your happily ever after? Maybe a few of you are, but I think most of us are not. Everyone has marital problems- infidelity, finances, parenting, ambition, loyalty, communication, sex, etc. Every couple has disagreements.  Whether it's a knock-down, drag-out brawl about the in-laws or a little tiff about forgetting to return a phonecall, I think the root of every argument comes down to this: she doesn't feel loved and/or he doesn't feel respected. Ever since we read Love & Respect, I am able to relate each and every conflict we have ever had to the fundamental rule that I need to feel loved and he needs to feel respected. (Of course, that is not all we need. But I believe it is the foundation for all men and women.)

    So, what happens when a malicious word is thrown or a wordless dismissal cuts you to your core? An argument ensues. A glass is thrown. A door is slammed. Someone storms off. Someone cries. Then, silence. If you've never done any of the above then please comment below and share with us where, when, and how you learned to resolve conflicts in a healthy way. As for the rest of us, we are a mixed bag of characteristics we absorbed from our parents, friends, work buddies, movies, pop culture, books, etc.

   When Dr. Phil was in his prime, I used to watch him pretty regularly.  (His ratings were through the roof.  I know I'm not alone here.)  And now I only remember two or three bits of advice he gave in the beginning because the rest was drowned out by his unproductive drama fests that have plagued the last several years. One thing I always recall was his theory that, "the number one determinant of divorce is the way a couple argues." I agree. However, he never offered a substantial solution.

   Conflict resolution has been a sizable struggle of ours. My husband cannot recall witnessing any explosive arguments in his home growing up. I cannot recall one argument growing up that wasn't explosive. Of course, neither method was instrumental in showing us how to resolve issues once we had a family of our own. Isn't it ironic that we accept and even celebrate the differences of each of one of our children, yet we expect two people such as us, from such different backgrounds, to immediately and seamlessly fuse together? It surely doesn't happen on its own. Love is not enough. Dr. Phil was not enough. The Re|Engage curriculum so wisely states, "Every marriage takes work, and no one passively arrives at a great marriage."


[source]


   So, how do you fix it? Where to start? Taken from Lesson 2, "The problem isn't your circumstances or your spouse, it is the selfishness and sinfulness within your own heart." Ouch. There it is again, accountability. Ouch.


   "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures."       James 4:1-3 


   I assumed if I could just fix my husband, then everything would fall into place and I would be a much happier person and therefore a better wife, mother, daughter, friend, sister. (Insert birds chirping and the silhouette of a family holding hands, frolicking down a hill at sunset.) That is what I had convinced myself after years of over-analyzing and dissecting it in my own head. Therein lies the problem, I'm in my head too much.


   I am beginning to accept the idea that I don't have all the answers. I don't even have a few of the answers. Nothing I have ever tried has worked. I am convinced there is no self-help book nor a "Top 10" checklist that is going to fix this. I am broken. And the Re|Engage ministry is challenging me to do something different, "Until you acknowledge the brokenness in your own heart and turn to the One who is ready and willing to help you, your relationships will remain broken."  It's worth a shot.  Ok, Jesus.  Take the wheel.


   "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."       John 15:5


[source]
   At this point, I still have my guard up, but the peephole has been widened to the size of a speakeasy door. I'm opening up a little. I'm curious. In the homework, I was asked to admit to times when I have been angry, selfish, prideful, lazy, controlling, and critical. Upon first glance, I wrote off a few already. He is the controlling and critical one, not me.  I fessed up to getting too angry and fighting in front of the girls a few times in the car, being selfish by staying in the living room at night watching my shows instead of coming to bed and possibly being forced to watch the news or sports, and being lazy by not cleaning the house or finishing the laundry when I should, but making plenty of time for the things I enjoy. Still, I am not controlling or critical.

   I wasn't going to let myself off the hook that easily though. I bound myself to my chair and really focused on his point of view, at the inner circle surrounding me.  "Come on," I told myself, "you know when you're driving him nuts. Think about it. When have you irritated him and what were you doing?"

   Then, it clicked. I know that when we are running late he sometimes offers to help get the girls ready so I can get myself ready and we can leave the house quicker. He nicely asks, "Do you want me to get them dressed?" And I snap back, "Noooo. I'll get it." I always tell him "'no" because, honestly, I don't like the outfits he picks out for them. They have such cute clothes and hair accessories, but it doesn't bother him a bit if they wear their old, stained pajamas to the park with their hair in knots. So, instead of letting him pick out whatever he/they want(s) which sends me into convulsions because, "...their outfits don't even match, we are taking pictures at this party, and they're going to outgrow all these cute clothes before they get to wear them and we won't have gotten our money's worth...", and instead of me getting them ready ahead of time as to avoid the issue completely, I just say, "Noooo." Ok. So, I'm a bit controlling. And critical. And, I have a lot to work on.


[source]


   Over the next week I was acutely more aware of my actions, my responses, my manipulations, and my avoidances. Wow. I'm a mess. Who knew? I didn't! Wait. My husband knew. And he loved my anyway. God knew. And He loved me anyway. Hmmm. This is interesting. I'm diving in now.



Lesson 3 - Grace

    "By God's good grace," or "with the grace of God" are common phrases I hear at church all the time, but I've never really stopped to think about their meaning.  "What is Grace?"  According to Re|Engage, "In two words, it's undeserved love." "To Reengage with your spouse, you must follow Christ's example as an initiator. He does not initiate with you because of how lovable you are. He initiates again and again because His love for you is perfect, and His love for you perserveres- even when you're most unlovable." Grace is the footing of our personal relationship with God.


   "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-
and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God..."       Ephesians 2:8



    This was a difficult concept to grasp, to say the least. In our culture today, we tend to view marriage as a contract instead of a covenant. A contract is a bound agreement in which you produce and then are rewarded with pay. A covenant is a promise with God. You can't do anything to get God's grace granted upon you. It has already been given. Since we view marriage as a contract, we expect our spouse to perform and earn our love. And if our spouse doesn't perform accordingly, or at all, then we will not offer our love.  However, when you start to accept that God has granted you kindness, you feel freer to extend grace to others.


[source]

   I can honestly say I have not been a gracious wife. There have been a "couple" times that my husband has inquired what I did the last 24 hours while he was putting out fires and saving lives because dishes were stacked up in the sink, I hadn't showered, and wet laundry was sitting in the washing machine. Nothing is more offensive to me. Now he knows. But the first few times he said that to me, I flew off the handle. I was so angry I could spit fire. "How dare you insult me! How dare you criticize me when I've given up my career, my social life, my body, my identity to stay home all the time and put food in everyone's mouth just so you can all poop it out five minutes later!!" (I'm a real peach.)

   That didn't go over real well (snort) so the next few times I tried something different, "Honey, (taking slow, deep breaths and trying to remain calm), I feel hurt and sad when you say that because I think I work really hard around here and you're saying I am not doing my job well enough." That went right over his head. It had absolutely no affect. Soon, I was back to defending myself and reading him his rights. That's what we're supposed to do, right? We're supposed to say, "I feel (blank) when you (blank)"? We're also taught to stand up for ourselves, to set boundaries, and to not take any flack from anyone, right? As Dr. Phil also used to say, "How's that werkin' for ya?"

   The night we went over our homework in class, my husband shared something I never knew about myself. He told the group that one of the reasons he first fell in love with me was when he would get angry about politics, sports, or money (he is a fiery one) and I would so effortlessly pet his arm or rub his shoulders that my touch would make all his stress melt away. I had the ability to dissuade his hot temper? I had no memory of that. Then, looking back there were a few fuzzy moments I could recall. Though over time, I felt his anger had turned its focus to me too. And because of his "irritability" and my previous heartbreaks before we met, I hardened my heart and moved on. In fact, had he started extending me grace on his own I wouldn't have believed nor would I have accepted it. I would have questioned his motives and rejected it. Hearing I used to be capable of tenderness towards him, and that it made a lasting impression, made me want to peel away the layers and find that sweet girl again.

   Following the lesson on grace, things started to change for us almost immediately. I restrained myself and prevented a couple arguments.  He noticed. It made us both smile. It made our hearts lighter. A weight was definitely lifting. And we were starting to realize it was credited to strengthening our vertical relationship with God.

[source]
 
 
   Now, instead of having a conniption fit and packing his bags for a guilt trip, I make a point to do as much housework as possible after the girls go to bed-rather than doing whatever I feel like completing and assuming he'll understand when he comes home in the morning. And, he doesn't ask if he can help with the dishes if there are some still in the sink.  Now, he just does it...quietly. Baby steps. Small victories. That's what it's all about. I'm in deep.

 
[source]
 
 

 
This is part two of a multi-part marriage series.
 
 
Click on the links below for more.
Preface [Re|Engage.]
 
 
To hear the couple that drew us in, click here.
To hear our mentor couple's testimony (and others), click here.

 


 

 For more information about Re|Engage,

such as a church near you that offers it

or an avenue to bring it to your own church,
please visit:
 

MarriageHelp.org


 

34 comments :

  1. Thanks fo another great post! We just recieved our copy of Love and Respect...plus the workbook. He seems very open to reading it with me, anything to "make me happy" he says. Oh gosh, this could be a long road!

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    1. Ahhhh!!! I'm freaking out right now! I'm beyond happy for you both and your family!!! I have to warn you- it is written from a man's point of view so there were a few parts that bothered me a little. Lol. I had to push through and ignore the things that erked me and focus on the big picture. My husband read it first (it is the first book he ever read about anything other than sports, politics, and WWII) and I think he stared at me for weeks, nudging the book into my hands every chance he got. Just be prepared for him to like it more than you. It will be a long road, but it is WORTH IT! I promise!! I am inspired by your journey! Let us know how it goes! Maybe you would like to do a guest post when you're done? :) Eeeek! SO amazing Christina!!

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  2. So much of what I just read rang true for me and my husband as well. He is an Air Force firefighter (totally relate to the 24hr shifts) and I moved completely across the country to be with him. We have bitter, brutal fights that often leave me questioning if it's worth it. I think it would definitely be worth looking into this more. Thank you for posting something I can relate to!

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    1. Thank you for reading!! That must be really difficult for you having moved away from your comfort zone to be with him. The stakes are higher when a big sacrifice is made in a marriage contract. And yes, the relationship IS worth it!! It's the fights that are NOT. Things changed tremendously when we began arguing differently. But more difficult than breaking the chain of our "crazy cycle" (from the "Love & Respect" book) was truly forgiving each other for all the past hurts we caused; because once you forgive each other and wipe the slate clean you can't hold the same things against one another anymore. It was a horrible habit I needed to break. Our lesson on forgiveness is next! I hope it helps too! Thank you again!

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  3. Hi Isla...I stumbled across your blog on Pinterest, home decor of all categories:) I'm so happy I did....my husband just received the book "Love and Respect"....can't wait to read it! A quote from our friend that is so true...A relationship without respect will surely run out of fuel...how true is that?!?!

    My husband and I have been married for 4 years(together for over 6 years)...and it sure was a broken road that led us to each other...a blended family, as we call ourselves "The Modern Day Brady Bunch"...children...yours, mine and ours!

    I look forward to following your blog and reading past post...I'm inspired by one post:)

    Have a great day!
    Angie

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    1. Hi Angie!! Home decor? Haha! Well, I guess you could decorate with love... ;) I'm so glad you found me! That is so true- love it!! Blending families makes things that much more difficult, but it is a beautiful thing when it's working for everyone! Thank you so much for reading and for following! I really appreciate it! I hope you are able to find something of use in our experiences. Let me know what you think of "Love & Respect".

      Have a great weekend!
      Isla

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    2. Hello, my name is Shelia, I just came by you on pinterest. I NEED you books!!! I need to know where I can get them! Please contact me at sheliabrown7177@yahoo.com I am in desprite need of more information to get my marriage back on track. I think its my husband and I see I may need to change myself first to see a differant outcome.

      Thank you!!!

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    3. Hello Shelia! Thank you for reading! Unfortunately, my blog title is a bit deceiving. I am an aspiring author- meaning I haven't published anything yet. There are two books I HIGHLY recommend that can be purchased on amazon: "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley, Jr. AND "Love & Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. They are life-changing!!
      I'll email you links right now! I hope these help and things turn around soon!!

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  4. I came across your blog post via Pinterest and I'm so happy I did. My boyfriend and I are planning on getting married and I've always been one to try and minimize bringing in as much baggage into a marriage so taking courses and reading books on Biblical based self helps and reading other inspirational stories (as yours), inspires me even more to grow and surrend my selfishness and learn God's ways of being that Godly wife. We had the privilege of having the Love and Respect author come to our church and we were able to meet him and talk briefly with him and get his book. My bf and I are going through the book and devotional at this time.
    I'm intrigued about the Re/Engage course you mentioned. Unfortunately, I don't know of any church in our area (Orlando, FL) offering it and I know our church currently doesn't. So I've been inspired to reach my friend and see if this is something we can get and go through.
    I just wanted to thank you for your blog and being open and honest to a bunch of strangers. You have definitely encouraged a least one stranger! ;)

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    1. Jaye, thank you so much for reading and commenting! This forum is so strange- throwing intimate details out into the abyss of the internet. But if I've learned anything at all in life, it's that we all have the same problems. I used to think it was just me or just him, but I've had way too many girls' nights to think I'm all alone anymore. ;) I can only imagine how uplifting and eye-opening meeting Dr. Eggerichs must have been! How cool!! I hope his insight is as encouraging to y'all as it is/was to us! If you're interested in starting a Re|Engage program at your church, contact Chrisey Billman at cbillman@watermark.org! The group up at Watermark is amazing and more than helpful with anything you need! (I'm currently waiting on a more complete list of locations offering Re|Engage, by the way.) Thank you again for reading and let me know how your journey goes!

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  5. Wow! This is great! I have some of the same issues myself. Thanks for posting this and reminding me how to be a better (Godly) wife. ;)

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    1. Thank you for reading! Striving to be a Godly wife is an every day struggle. But it's worth it! :]

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  6. Absolutely LOVE your blog. My marriage is exactly like this but my husband works out of town all week long. I am very OCD so I am never questioned about housework etc everything is always done and put away when he comes home but it never seems to be enough. We've been married for almost 8 years. Together for almost 11. Please keep posting !!!!!!

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    1. Thank you so much for reading!! Well, I think you're doing a great job!! ;] Congrats on making it so far in your marriage! I will definitely keep posting about this. I lie awake most nights thinking about it. I appreciate your interest and taking the time to leave a comment. Stay tuned...

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  7. I had tears running down my face as I read this, it is such an amazing feeling when you realize you are not alone in this world, I have had the worst two weeks, the arguments are of the knock down drag out variety and leave us both sick, sad and tired. I know God sees us hurting and clicking on this link today was exactly what I needed. Our stories are very similar. I have a copy of love and respect on my book shelf that has been collecting dust. I don't think your approach is unrealistic at all. I would love to hear more. I too am determined to find that sweet girl my husband met. I heard today on one of the christian radio stations here in the metroplex that Marriage takes work and if your not willing to work on it then it's not going to work. Simple. Thank you so much for sharing your story and being willing to open up. I pray your marriage continues to grow and be exactly what God intended.

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    1. Grace!!! My heart hurts knowing you've been having such a tough time. I'm so sorry! But thank you for reminding me I'm not alone either. Arguing on end is exhausting! I hope you can find some peace SOON! Love & Respect was our first big step to make the changes we knew were inevitable. I always thought I made a great effort to put myself in his shoes. What I didn't realize was once I did, it was no use because I had a distorted viewpoint. I pray the fog clears for you and you both can get back to enjoying each other! If you are close to Watermark (at 75 and 635) or to Lake Pointe in Rockwall, I highly suggest trying Re|Engage once. Watermark is every Wednesday at 6:30 pm and LP is every Tuesday at 6:30 pm. If you love honesty and are looking for a place filled with endless support and love, check it out! Thank you so very much for reading and for taking the time to comment! I pray the same for yours!! God bless!

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  8. I just stumbled across your sweet post and I loved your advice. One thing I wish I knew about relationships long before my husband taught me is that if you take the blame first, forgive first, be quiet first, listen first,... Then the other person gets really polite and likes to take back the blame, actually ask you what you think and then actually agree! It makes the other person be quiet and say, "oh you go first". It's crazy. All the people my husband associates with do this for him because he always does it for them. It might take someone a little time being around him and him being respectful to them before they give him respect but he always melts hearts and people want to compromise. I'm learning this trait for many relationships and wish I could share this secret with every couple. I know it's the reason we have a good marriage.

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    1. Thank you so much for reading and even more for taking the time to offer your wonderful insight! You are so right!! Our pride so often gets in the way, doesn't it? The ONE time we had the most difficult of discussions (about everything that makes us uncomfortable) and we DIDN'T get defensive was the most productive and life-altering conversation of our entire relationship! I wrote about it here: http://islacunninghambooks.blogspot.com/2013/01/forgiveness-its-whats-for-dinner.html. Now one, or both, of us usually offers an apology within the first two minutes of what could be an argument- instead of two days later, following a blow-up and the silent treatment. Thank you for sharing one of your secrets to a happy marriage! Congrats to you both! <3

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  9. Thank you thank you thank you. My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years, but recently I began to feel as though I didn't even know him anymore. I got caught up in my life and he got caught up in his; it felt like we didn't have time for a life together anymore, like we never saw each other despite living together. I was so disheartened that I picked up my journal and wrote the longest prayer of my life. I asked God to give me strength to follow His path; if the man I'm dating isn't the one for me, then give me the strength to find him! Luckily, God showed me loud and clear that this man is the one I was meant for. We just got lost in ourselves and forgot WHY we fell in love in the first place. Falling back in love with each other has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I am so grateful we have found blogs like yours to give us the tools we need to love one another the way we were meant to!!

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    1. Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading!! I am so grateful to everyone who opened up to me and showed me the way to God's teachings, showed me how to apply them to our marriage, and gave me the opportunity to share them with others like you! It's so easy to get lost in the everyday drudgings! We all fall in the trap of to-do lists from time to time. It warms my heart to hear you still have faith in your relationship and are able to enjoy your unique love for eachother still! I hope the years to come bring you two closer together more and more! God bless your future!! And thank you for taking the time to comment and share. :]

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  10. You & I must be one in the same. I can see myself in what you've described here, like looking into a mirror. My husband is Army, and we spend a large amount of time apart, so we have been doing our best to minimize the arguments when he IS home. Just because there are "fewer" arguments doesn't mean they're less intense. In fact, its gotten worse. You've inspired me to get down to the real root of the problem, & that's ME. My husband can never be right, or do things HIS way because mine is (obviously) better. Thank you for sharing your journey & being an inspiration and eye opener to me. I'm going to order the books you've recommended & get on top of reading them. I will definitely share this with everyone I can! Thanks again!

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    1. Beth, it sounds like we ARE one in the same! ;] I catch myself shooing him away, even when he's trying to help, simply because he isn't doing it "right". I'm so sorry to hear things are worse. I hope everything calms and improves for you both soon! I am so grateful you found my blog and are able to relate to me and my problems. Thank you so much for reading! Best wishes to you both! And thank you to you BOTH for serving our country!!

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  11. This is great. Thanks for being real!

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    1. Thank you for reading! There's plenty more where that came from. Haha!

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  12. Are there ReEngage classes in ohio?

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    1. I will email the director here in Dallas and find out! Thank you for reading! I'll post here when I hear back from her!

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  13. You should really consider writing a book. I love your site and really wish maybe there were devotionals for Re-Engage for those who can't go to the class. Consider it please :)

    Sincerely,
    S.R. Brock
    www.srbrock.com

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    1. Thank you S.R.!! I have ideas for a dozen books (including one on our marriage), but finding the time to write them has been quite a struggle with two little ones at home. I deeply appreciate your support! I'll speak with the leaders at Re|Engage and see if anyone has heard any talk of devotionals to share! Thank you for reading!

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  14. "So, what happens when a malicious word is thrown or a wordless dismissal cuts you to your core? An argument ensues. A glass is thrown. A door is slammed. Someone storms off. Someone cries. Then, silence. If you've never done any of the above then please comment below and share with us where, when, and how you learned to resolve conflicts in a healthy way."
    I know we're babies (friends for a year, dated 5 months, engaged 5 months, married 7 months) but I think that my husband and I have a leg up on the world because of our parents. His a good example of a marriage, mine a bad. I grew up swearing to myself that I would never ever have a relationship like my parents. They never ever ever fought. They had bitter, silent disagreements that they never tell each other to this day and it makes them extremely bitter to each other. My husband's parents deal with disagreements differently. They knock-down, drag-out fight, but they fight until it's resolved and they fight in a way that they, sure get angry, but never a loveless fight. They even have a 'pause button' where one or the other has to go and do work or help their crippled child, but they always return to the fight, not letting the other go or give up until it's resolved.
    So when my husband and I had our first fight, my instinct was to run and hide and not let him know anything was up and his instinct was to yell and shout and force me to not give up.
    We both don't like how our parents fight (mine not fighting, his yelling and angry) so we compromised and we discovered that early on that if we always prove to each other to be trustworthy and to be respectful and always loving during the easy stuff and over the little things, these facts will hold over for the hard times.
    We still fight, don't get me wrong, but we fight fearlessly and without any anger. He still gets passionate and I still want to hide, but we understand that and accept that about each other.
    I think we have a very successful marriage built on mutual trust, honesty, respect, and love; but most importantly it's built around the Bible and God's commandments. As we grow in God, we grow toward each other.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing what is working for y'all!! I really appreciate hearing different perspectives! With each new viewpoint, I can actually learn more about myself and what I need to work on the most. I am so inspired y'all learned to compromise so early in your marriage! I love how you offer grace and understanding to one another and are, therefore, building a strong foundation to build your life on! We can all learn something from your wisdom. And you are so right- as we strengthen our vertical relationship with Him, our horizontal relationships fall into place. Thank you again for sharing! I wish you all the blessings a long, lasting marriage can bring!!

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  15. I loved the part when you said 'I'm a real peach"...I laughed out loud! Thank you for this honest post, because a lot of us wives prefer people to NOT know that we yell and scream and cry and throw things. But it is so real, and when we face ourselves and figure out how to fix ourselves (in Jesus) then we can get to the bottom of it. I am reading Joyce Meyers 'Battlefield of the Mind' right now, and next is 'Change your words, change your life'. They are not marriage based, but they are good 'life skills' that can be incorporated into your marriage since a lot of your life is with your spouse. Our marriage is not perfect (is anyone's?) and I feel like if we work towards communication if nothing else, then we can make it through most things. Been together for 13 years, married for 7 and the LOVE really is the glue holding us together. Because even if we threaten divorce (just meaningless ways to hurt eachother in a fight) we really don't want to be separated. Thanks for the inspiration to better ourselves!

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    1. Haha! Glad I could break the weight of this heavy post with a little giggle. :] It has been quite a struggle to air our dirty laundry. Thus far, I've only revealed small issues because it is so embarrassing to post about our major faults. But, I hope I can find the courage soon to share more. Thank you so much for reading and for commenting! I'll have to check out her books. She is such an inspiring person! I'm sure I'll love them! I apologize it took me so long to respond. I've been on a hiatus for the last few months and am just now returning to this blogging life. :] I agree with you about communication! Great communication can turn any relationship around!! Best of luck and all of God's blessings to you and your spouse!! Thanks again!

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  16. can i just say i love your heart?! also i love paul david tripp! my ex husband and i went through the L&R conf at our church in Allen. and unfortunately, we were going through the motions at that time. re-engage sounds like an amazing ministry and am seriously praying for where God leads you guys through it.

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    1. Well, yes you may. You are too kind to me and I am so blessed to have "met" you! ;] I am so sorry to hear that, but I'm sure the conference was amazing! Love & Respect is such an incredible book! Thank you again.

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